A buddy was lamenting the recent divorces of some people we knew, and as the subject revolved around matrimonial vows, I was astonished to discover how many of my own friends took their sacred oaths with surprising nonchalance.One couple who has already decided that they don’t want any children, said that it mattered little to them if they were married in Church or merely through the state, and that they opted for the sacramental details only because of the ceremonial pomp and grandeur of a traditional Church wedding.
Another who swears by contraception cited the expectations of family and friends to fulfill, while also admitting that a Church wedding lent an unquestionable air of social respectability to their union.
But hang on, what about the explicit promises attached to the vows?
Were they perhaps ignorant of the fact that their matrimonial oaths obliged them under canon law to remain open to life, to view marriage with a sacramental permanence, and to bring up their children in the dignity of the Catholic faith?
The lady sitting opposite me chuckled in embarrassment and said, “Well, we just say the words but such decisions should be left to individuals.”
In other words, say the vows but in your hearts, think otherwise!
Now in a court of law, a witness who clamps his hand on the bible and swears to tell the truth, but elects in his heart to dismiss the promise of his oath is guilty of perjury, and by law, he can well expect to be rewarded with some hefty penalties.
But in the Sacrament of Matrimony, a Catholic couple take their oaths not just on the written word of God, but upon the testimony of the Church who bears witness to their union, and if they so choose to consciously ignore their obligation to be faithful to those promises, claiming that words not meant are not binding, will they be liable to some kind of spiritual penalty?
After all, what is a Sacramental oath or vow if not words we say to God?
It occurred to me that in any kind of agreement or promise, (and Matrimony is infinitely more than just an agreement, it is a religious covenant), the authenticity and binding strength of such an agreement lies in the full extent of its conditions and clauses, freely promised upon and freely undertaken in full knowledge.
However at the point of making this promise, if one or both parties had intended not to carry through their promises in the first place, does not this charlatan act of goodwill void the original agreement, since its contractual assertions were founded on a web of lies?
We must remember that the Catholic formula for matrimonial vows include a requirement that the couple promise to obey the Church’s teachings regarding the gift of life and the need to educate and form their children in the Catholic faith; even if one party is not a member of the Catholic Church.
In addition, there is also the stern warning that marriage must be entered into with permanence and commitment.
And although these conditions apply equally to both spouses, this canonical ruling is especially pronounced for the Catholic spouse, whose duty it is to ensure that the Christian identity of the Catholic faith is kept alive, and nourished by the sacramental vocation about to be embraced.
This is a very serious commitment that recalls the covenantal promise of God with the people of Israel, and in particular; the faithful and sacrificial love of Jesus for His Bride, the Church.
Now, it is true that many Catholics mouth their marital oaths without any real discernment or worse, with intended disobedience in their hearts.
If so, what shall we say of their dishonest vows? What is the repercussion of such adultery before the altar of God, since true Christian fidelity must not only embrace one’s spouse, but indeed, the very sacred ideals of Christian marriage itself?
If perjury clings to the man who lies under oath in court, does not blasphemy denote the man who lies under oath before the foot of the altar?
At the very least, I am certain that such an approach to the altar robs us of much needed grace and blessings, the very kind that every couple needs so desperately to make marriage a success, and which in very real ways is poured from heaven through the sacramental nature of their vows.
Yet in truth, what is the nature of a sacrament and what conditions are necessary for it to be truly effective and authentic?
Sacraments are powerful channels of living grace established by Our Lord and Redeemer Himself, by which the sublime mysteries of God’s love is externalized and efficaciously applied as a living heritage to those who receive it for the sanctification of their lives and the salvation of their souls.
Each of the seven Sacraments – baptism, penance, holy communion, confirmation, matrimony, anointing of the sick, holy orders - is a divine gift that enables us to enter more deeply into the life of the Holy Trinity, thereby proclaiming our inheritance as sons and daughters.
It is the visible sign of His Love for the soul, the external seal of His grace in the internal dwelling of our hearts.
And Matrimony is not just a social institution…it is a SACRAMENT.
So what makes a Sacrament valid?
I can think of at least three reasons to start with – a proper understanding of what the Sacrament entails, the desire and willingness to receive it, and last but not least, the correct or proper disposition for reception.
Consider this example:
Confession or the Sacrament of Penance as it is called is an indisputable pillar of our spiritual life.
But in order for us to receive the healing graces of this spiritual encounter, and in order for us to merit the absolution that we desire, we must first approach this sacrament with the repentance and contrition that is necessary for our pardon, holding nothing back intentionally as we prostrate ourselves before the Divine Mercy.
In addition, joined to a contrite heart must also be the firm determination to avoid sin, even though we know that future weaknesses may still cause us to stumble in our frailties.
Now supposing a penitent rambles off his sins without any real contrition or repentence but simply to obtain absolution or even just to ridicule the teaching of the Church, will that absolution be valid and will he receive sacramental grace to reconcile him to Almighty God, much less receive spiritual help to strengthen him on this earthly pilgrimage?
Without a doubt, that sacramental encounter would be a mockery and the effects of grace nullified. For apart from certain saints in history, the average priest, not having the supernatural gifts to look into another man’s heart and expose his lies, would not have been able to tell the difference.
The absolution would then indeed be given in good faith, especially if the penitent deserves an Oscar nomination for his efforts.
Nevertheless, that kind of confession will be no more valid than if the penitent had not declared his sins in the first place, since God sees the falsehoods concerning this man.
Truly, we must not take the patience and mercy of God for granted.
Going back to the Sacrament of Matrimony…
Will anyone be the wiser if a couple promises to be open to life and then betrays that promise as soon as the rings are exchanged?
Can the Church be assured that a couple will bring up their children in the patrimony of the Catholic Faith once their vows are sealed before the altar of God?
In fact, does the priest know with certainty that the couple who requests this Sacrament is committed to a lifetime together, or have they privately agreed to give the marriage 5 years before moving on to other people, even as they consciously make their vows upon the Body and Blood of Christ?
It is crucial that young couples understand that in Matrimony, it is the couple themselves who confer the solemnity and grace of this Sacrament on each other, not the priest.
The priest is there to represent the Church and the Hierarchy in witnessing your decisions before God. Likewise, your friends, family and parishioners gathered in the pews that day stand in place of the communion of saints in witnessing your promises.
A solemn vow must need public witnessing, in order for it to be communally recognized and validated.
Hence, can you imagine the implication of an insincere or dishonest vow made in the presence of the whole communion of saints, who stand as witnesses before God as testimony to the “truth” of your promises?
No one but God knows the designs of the human heart. And yet, the decisions of those who have chosen wrongly come back to haunt them with the chaos of life.
After all, even if the validity of your marriage is not called into question, it is indisputable that you shall suffer much from such a blasphemy.
The Catholic Sacrament of Matrimony is so deeply enriched by God that it draws down spiritual favours and graces to transform and unite a couple in a way that is otherwise humanly impossible.
And as anyone who has rung the chimes of wedding bells will tell you, the road to conjugal bliss is paved with many thorns and human obstacles once the initial notes of romance start to fade.
That is why Christ Our Lord elevated marriage to a Sacrament, since it is in the sacraments that He gives Himself to us for nourishment, strength and hope.
In the Sacrament of Marriage, every Catholic has a treasury of supernatural graces to appeal to as they encounter the challenges of their new life together, without which, they cannot fully sustain their love for each other amidst their human struggle against sin and selfishness.
This unique Sacramental Grace is given to every Catholic couple who elects to undertake Matrimony as their vocation to Love, not only because the Lord has seen that it is good and helpful, but because He knows that it is crucial and necessary to their success as a couple, without which a Christian marriage cannot survive the onslaught and values of this secular world.
But if you choose to make a mockery of your sacred vows, turning this great sacrament into a sacrilege by not taking your oaths and promises seriously, then you rob yourself of that sacramental help which you desperately need for happiness and peace.
In truth, what shall be the portion of those who promise to be faithful with sullen lips while their hearts remain cold to the exhortations of the Church, as they pronounce their hidden intentions before the judgement seat of God and the whole communion of saints?
In so doing, they desecrate the very vows meant to sanctify and sustain them. And since the graces given at matrimony are not just for romance, love and holiness, many will also lose out on the blessings of God in terms of their career, health and finances, since these too are essential for the wellbeing of the family life.
Indeed, to paraphrase St Paul, “do you not marry unworthily in this sacrament of grace, and in place of blessings and joys, do you not instead marry judgement on yourself?”
Is it any wonder then that so many Catholic marriages end in divorces and adultery, or struggle with unending stress?
For those of us miserable enough to marry unworthily and who now have to contend with the deficiencies of a marriage robbed of real grace, what does the horizon hold for us?
Is there any hope for reparation and healing?
As surely as the sun rises, there is always hope and grace in Christ Jesus.
No line however crooked cannot be straightened and strengthened by the Lord.
No fault however sorrowful cannot find redemption with contrition and sincerity.
Let us take heart and realize that God is ever ready to forgive and heal us if we only turn to Him in repentance and hope.
But to do that, we must first acknowledge our mistakes both to God and to each other, make a good confession, and then rise with renewed courage to live our wedding vows with a firm conviction in the teachings of the Church.
To quote the Council of Trent: “God commands not impossibilities, but, by commanding, both admonishes thee to do what thou art able, and to pray for what thou art not able (to do), and aids thee that thou mayest be able.” Sess 6, cap 11
Thus, let us humbly pray for the help we need, since prayer often obtains for us the graces we need to do that which we can’t do save by the grace and mercy of God. And being poor no longer, let us reclaim the sacramental happiness and fullness of our inheritance as Catholics. So that in loving Christ, we may learn to love each other in happiness.
Not just for now…but for all eternity.
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